It's been a while

It's been a while because I struggled with what direction I wanted to go with my blog.  I've shared funnies, advice and personal struggles.  It has kind of been all over the place.  The title of the blog is definitely still fitting.  No one can define me.  However, I DO need some kind of "definition" for this blog.  I just don't know what that is.

I don't need you to tell me I'm fat.

     If you think I don't know, you're delusional.  You don't have to tell me.  I see myself in the mirror every day.  I'm the one who can't find clothes that fit properly.  I'm aware and I don't need you to remind me.  Sometimes the reminders are subtle.  Sometimes, not so much.  Most of the time they roll off my back because I've gotten used to them.  Sometimes they hurt.   They are never necessary though. 


     I've can't remember a time when I didn't think I was fat.  I look back now and wonder why I was so unhappy with my size 8 body.  I think around 18 or 19 I finally accepted my body and actually liked it.  I was curvy, but not fat.  Then I started to expand.  The more I expanded, the more people thought it acceptable to comment on my newly added square footage.  There are lots of reason I gained weight.  I had 2 children in a year.  I was less active.  I had PCOS.  However, those that made comments didn't take those things into account.  They just knew I was bigger and felt some urge to make me know that they were aware of my fatness.


     I remember the first time anyone commented.  I was at the mall and saw a coworker that I hadn't seen in several years and he asked me when I was due.  Yup.  It was mortifying.  Let me give you a tip...Unless you see a baby crowning, don't ever, ever, under any circumstances, ask her when she's due.   Then someone commented on how I was getting chubby.  And thought it was a compliment.   Chubby is not a compliment once you are past the age of 2.  Then they started becoming more frequent.  Family members are generally the most bold in their comments.  It's generally a comment such as, "I'm just worried about your health."  Give.me.a.break.  You are totally fine with me being a smoker (which I'm not anymore!), but you're concerned about my fatness being a precursor to my demise.  Gotcha.   Or just flat out saying, "You're getting fat!"  "You've put on some weight!  Don't worry, you can lose it!".  Yes.  People actually said that to me.  Probably the most hurtful was, "You'd be so pretty if you just lost a little weight."  So what, I'm ugly now too?  Because regardless of my weight, I've never thought myself outright repulsive.  Guess I was wrong!  Thanks for shedding the light on my delusional view of my attractiveness!



     I want to lose weight.  Really I do.  I want to be able to wear cute little sundresses without throwing a sweater over them because I hate my arms.  I don't want to hate my arms.  I want to be able to wear the jean shorts I was wearing the night I met my husband.  Yes, I still have them.  Here's the thing though.  Your comments don't help me do that.  They make me lose hope that it'll ever happen.  They make me think I will always be the wickedly funny fat girl. 



     If you truly want me to lose weight (which I'm not sure why you care that much about MY body), SHUT UP.  Seriously, if you have nothing positive, uplifting or encouraging to say...say nothing!  I don't need you to tell me I'm fat.  And someday, when I'm not fat, I don't need you to tell me how much better I look because I've always looked good.

Celebrities? They don't hold a candle to anti-gay marriage Republicans.

 So there's this status going around facebook that I've seen for the past couple of years, altered to keep it current, but still the same.  I only really paid attention to it and really thought deeper about it recently

Let me get this straight... Charlie Sheen can make a "porn family"; Kelsey Grammer can end a 15-year marriage over the phone; Larry King can be on divorce #9; Britney Spears had a 55-hour marriage; Jesse James and Tiger Woods, while married, were having sex with EVERYONE. Yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really? Re-post if you are proud to support equal rights

The part that bothers me the most about the quote  is that it contains all celebrities.   Celebrity marriages are generally a joke anyway and they aren't proclaiming to be concerned with the "sanctity of marriage".  So the wheels started turning.   What about the politicians that claim to be preserving the "sanctity of marriage"  all while making a laughing stock of marriage in their OWN personal lives?

Roy Blunt has consistently stated that it is necessary to ban same sex marriage because we need to protect "traditional marriage" because allowing same sex marriage will "radically change the country by destroying one of the essential building blocks of the traditional family".  Roy cheated on his wife of 35 years with a much younger woman who also happened to be a tobacco lobbyist who had contributed heavily to his campaign.  They married 6 months after the divorce. 

John Ensign stated that it was necessary to ban gay marriage in order to "preserve the most important structure in our society".  He forgot to mention that he was cheating on his wife of 20+ years repeatedly with a married campaign staff member.

Newt Gingrich thinks that there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in order to protect "traditional family values".  He cheated on his first wife then told her he was leaving her while she was in a hospital undergoing cancer treatment.  He married his mistress months later.  Then he cheated on his second wife with a woman more than 20 years younger. 

The best is David Vitter and Larry Craig, who sponsored a bill to amend the constitution to ban gay marriage to protect traditional family values.  David Vitter has a long history with prostitutes.  Oh and he's married.  Larry Craig, also married, was arrested for solicitation of a male prostitute. 


I could give many, many more examples, but it's not necessary to get the point across which is this:  We straights have done a fine job of completely wrecking "traditional marriage".  We cannot allow politicians to tell us they are "protecting the sanctity of traditional marriage".  The highest rate of divorce in this country is amongst people who identify themselves as conservative Christians.  We have to stop labeling this battle against gay marriage as "protection of traditional marriage"  and just simply call it what it is...homophobia. 

Volleyball, The Talent Show and The Fall Festival...Oh My!

     I'm pretty sure that going to school full time, preparing for the talent show, coaching volleyball and now co-chairing my daughter's school fall festival will occupy all of my time for the next several months.  So friends and family, if you don't hear from me or see me, you know why.

     First, the Talent Show.  It's in May and the girl has been planning what she will do and how she will do it since last May.  Last year was her school's first talent show.  It was fabulous.  There are some talented kids at my daughter's school!  Her class sang a song and danced.  It was super cute.  The video quality isn't the greatest, but she's the girl in the dress dancing in the circle in the beginning on the left side of the stage...

 

     

     This year, she's decided that she doesn't want to share the spotlight so she'll be singing solo.  She was pretty set on doing the theme from the Ghostbusters.  After much gentle guiding away from that she agreed to do another song, but insisted it was an eighties song.  Oh my heart.  One of the million and one reasons I love that girl.  So we listened to song after song after song and then we listened to one that stopped her in her tracks and she said proudly, "That's the one!  That's MY song!!!"   And here it is...

Not only did she choose an eighties song, but she chose one of THE eighties songs.  One of my most favorite!  I cannot wait until May!

     Next volleyball.  I love coaching volleyball.  I coach my daughter's team of 7-9 year olds.  They are the funniest and cutest group of girls ever.  They are not quite Olympic level volleyballers, but we're working on it.  They haven't won a game yet, but they could care less.  They are having fun.  They're learning to play.  They're learning how to be a part of a team.  They are amazing.  Oh how I wish as adults we could hold on to some of that attitude.  Try hard, have fun, and don't put every single bit of your happiness on "winning".  Just have fun playing the game!

     Finally, the fall festival.  I've volunteered at my daughter's school pretty regularly.  Even when I was working, I made a point of scheduling days off for field trips and events.  I only recently missed my first field trip because I was in the throws of influenza.  I think I was way more bummed out than the girl was.  Anyway, though I've volunteered for stuff, I've never actually organized a big event at her school.  I got an email yesterday asking for Chairperson volunteers and I replied first and thought about it later.  It's going to be a lot of work.  It's a huge event that raises thousands of dollars for her school.  It takes tons and tons of work.  I think I'm up for the challenge though.  I hope it goes smoothly.

    So life will be hectic for a few months.  So what?  Life is always hectic.  At least this hectic is the fun kind.

America is not broke.

 You may not like Michael Moore.  That's okay.  I used to loathe him.  Read this though.  He completely hit the nail on the head.  I'm not going to post a lot of my own words today because what he said was much more eloquent and completely to the point than what I could do.

Speech delivered by Michael Moore at Wisconsin Capitol in Madison, March 5, 2011
America is not broke.
Contrary to what those in power would like you to believe so that you'll give up your pension, cut your wages, and settle for the life your great-grandparents had, America is not broke. Not by a long shot. The country is awash in wealth and cash. It's just that it's not in your hands. It has been transferred, in the greatest heist in history, from the workers and consumers to the banks and the portfolios of the uber-rich.
Today just 400 Americans have more wealth than half of all Americans combined.

Let me say that again. 400 obscenely rich people, most of whom benefited in some way from the multi-trillion dollar taxpayer "bailout" of 2008, now have more loot, stock and property than the assets of 155 million Americans combined. If you can't bring yourself to call that a financial coup d'état, then you are simply not being honest about what you know in your heart to be true.

And I can see why. For us to admit that we have let a small group of men abscond with and hoard the bulk of the wealth that runs our economy, would mean that we'd have to accept the humiliating acknowledgment that we have indeed surrendered our precious Democracy to the moneyed elite. Wall Street, the banks and the Fortune 500 now run this Republic -- and, until this past month, the rest of us have felt completely helpless, unable to find a way to do anything about it.

I have nothing more than a high school degree. But back when I was in school, every student had to take one semester of economics in order to graduate. And here's what I learned: Money doesn't grow on trees. It grows when we make things. It grows when we have good jobs with good wages that we use to buy the things we need and thus create more jobs. It grows when we provide an outstanding educational system that then grows a new generation of inventors, entrepreneurs, artists, scientists and thinkers who come up with the next great idea for the planet. And that new idea creates new jobs and that creates revenue for the state. But if those who have the most money don't pay their fair share of taxes, the state can't function. The schools can't produce the best and the brightest who will go on to create those jobs. If the wealthy get to keep most of their money, we have seen what they will do with it: recklessly gamble it on crazy Wall Street schemes and crash our economy. The crash they created cost us millions of jobs.  That too caused a reduction in revenue. And the population ended up suffering because they reduced their taxes, reduced our jobs and took wealth out of the system, removing it from circulation.

The nation is not broke, my friends. Wisconsin is not broke. It's part of the Big Lie. It's one of the three biggest lies of the decade: America/Wisconsin is broke, Iraq has WMD, the Packers can't win the Super Bowl without Brett Favre.

The truth is, there's lots of money to go around. LOTS. It's just that those in charge have diverted that wealth into a deep well that sits on their well-guarded estates. They know they have committed crimes to make this happen and they know that someday you may want to see some of that money that used to be yours. So they have bought and paid for hundreds of politicians across the country to do their bidding for them. But just in case that doesn't work, they've got their gated communities, and the luxury jet is always fully fueled, the engines running, waiting for that day they hope never comes. To help prevent that day when the people demand their country back, the wealthy have done two very smart things:

1. They control the message. By owning most of the media they have expertly convinced many Americans of few means to buy their version of the American Dream and to vote for their politicians. Their version of the Dream says that you, too, might be rich some day – this is America, where anything can happen if you just apply yourself! They have conveniently provided you with believable examples to show you how a poor boy can become a rich man, how the child of a single mother in Hawaii can become president, how a guy with a high school education can become a successful filmmaker. They will play these stories for you over and over again all day long so that the last thing you will want to do is upset the apple cart -- because you -- yes, you, too! -- might be rich/president/an Oscar-winner some day! The message is clear: keep your head down, your nose to the grindstone, don't rock the boat and be sure to vote for the party that protects the rich man that you might be some day.

2. They have created a poison pill that they know you will never want to take. It is their version of mutually assured destruction. And when they threatened to release this weapon of mass economic annihilation in September of 2008, we blinked. As the economy and the stock market went into a tailspin, and the banks were caught conducting a worldwide Ponzi scheme, Wall Street issued this threat: Either hand over trillions of dollars from the American taxpayers or we will crash this economy straight into the ground. Fork it over or it's Goodbye savings accounts. Goodbye pensions. Goodbye United States Treasury. Goodbye jobs and homes and future. It was friggin' awesome and it scared the shit out of everyone. "Here! Take our money! We don't care. We'll even print more for you! Just take it! But, please, leave our lives alone, PLEASE!"
The executives in the board rooms and hedge funds could not contain their laughter, their glee, and within three months they were writing each other huge bonus checks and marveling at how perfectly they had played a nation full of suckers. Millions lost their jobs anyway, and millions lost their homes. But there was no revolt (see #1).

Until now. On Wisconsin! Never has a Michigander been more happy to share a big, great lake with you! You have aroused the sleeping giant know as the working people of the United States of America. Right now the earth is shaking and the ground is shifting under the feet of those who are in charge. Your message has inspired people in all 50 states and that message is: WE HAVE HAD IT! We reject anyone tells us America is broke and broken. It's just the opposite! We are rich with talent and ideas and hard work and, yes, love. Love and compassion toward those who have, through no fault of their own, ended up as the least among us. But they still crave what we all crave: Our country back! Our democracy back! Our good name back! The United States of America. NOT the Corporate States of America. The United States of America!
So how do we get this? Well, we do it with a little bit of Egypt here, a little bit of Madison there. And let us pause for a moment and remember that it was a poor man with a fruit stand in Tunisia who gave his life so that the world might focus its attention on how a government run by billionaires for billionaires is an affront to freedom and morality and humanity.

Thank you, Wisconsin. You have made people realize this was our last best chance to grab the final thread of what was left of who we are as Americans. For three weeks you have stood in the cold, slept on the floor, skipped out of town to Illinois -- whatever it took, you have done it, and one thing is for certain: Madison is only the beginning. The smug rich have overplayed their hand. They couldn't have just been content with the money they raided from the treasury. They couldn't be satiated by simply removing millions of jobs and shipping them overseas to exploit the poor elsewhere. No, they had to have more – something more than all the riches in the world. They had to have our soul. They had to strip us of our dignity. They had to shut us up and shut us down so that we could not even sit at a table with them and bargain about simple things like classroom size or bulletproof vests for everyone on the police force or letting a pilot just get a few extra hours sleep so he or she can do their job -- their $19,000 a year job. That's how much some rookie pilots on commuter airlines make, maybe even the rookie pilots flying people here to Madison. But he's stopped trying to get better pay. All he asks is that he doesn't have to sleep in his car between shifts at O'Hare airport. That's how despicably low we have sunk. The wealthy couldn't be content with just paying this man $19,000 a year. They wanted to take away his sleep. They wanted to demean and dehumanize him. After all, he's just another slob.

And that, my friends, is Corporate America's fatal mistake. But trying to destroy us they have given birth to a movement -- a movement that is becoming a massive, nonviolent revolt across the country. We all knew there had to be a breaking point some day, and that point is upon us. Many people in the media don't understand this. They say they were caught off guard about Egypt, never saw it coming. Now they act surprised and flummoxed about why so many hundreds of thousands have come to Madison over the last three weeks during brutal winter weather. "Why are they all standing out there in the cold? I mean there was that election in November and that was supposed to be that!

"There's something happening here, and you don't know what it is, do you...?"
America ain't broke! The only thing that's broke is the moral compass of the rulers. And we aim to fix that compass and steer the ship ourselves from now on. Never forget, as long as that Constitution of ours still stands, it's one person, one vote, and it's the thing the rich hate most about America -- because even though they seem to hold all the money and all the cards, they begrudgingly know this one unshakeable basic fact: There are more of us than there are of them!
Madison, do not retreat.  We are with you. We will win together.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-moore/america-is-not-broke_b_832006.html



It's time for the middle class to say enough is enough. 

Be a glimmer of hope.

     I'm very outspoken.  I will argue about just about anything.  Ask my mom, dad or husband.  However, one thing I try really hard not to be is just completely rude.  Especially to strangers to whom I have no reason to be rude.  I hold doors for someone coming in behind me.  I wait in line and don't try to cut to the front of other people who have been patiently waiting.  I tip well, sometimes even when I get not so great service.  I say please and thank you.  I don't park my cart in the middle of a grocery aisle, leaving other shoppers stuck on either side of me.  If I can help it, I don't sit in front of people who are shorter than me in the movie theater.  The common theme of each of these thing is that I am thoughtful of the people around me.



       It's really not that hard people.  Have we really become a generation that cares more about ourselves than anyone else?  Are we at a point where we only care about the people who surround us if it doesn't inconvenience us or if it benefits us in some way?  I sure hope not.


     I do see some glimmers of hope occasionally.  The 8-10 year old boy at the store that holds the door open.  The customer in line with a completely full cart that lets you pass by when you have an item or two.  Why does it seem those little glimmers are so few and far between?

     I was at the grocery store yesterday and by the time I left I was almost to the point of tears.  First, I was reading a label on a product and a woman literally pushed me out of the way to get a product.  She must have had ninja like shopping skills, as I didn't see her creep up behind me.  Instead of an, "Excuse me", I got an elbow in my face.  Then I moved down an aisle that was literally completely blocked.  People perusing the offerings on the shelves, all while parking their carts right in the middle of the aisle.  When I finally broke through the aisle 2 gridlock, I moved to aisle 3 in which two women were having a lively conversation full of loud expletives.   Now, I'm no prude.  I can throw out curse words with the best of them.  However, I generally try not to use language I wouldn't use in front of my grandma when there are FOUR young children within earshot.  So next I had to find a lane.  Apparently northern Kentuckians were afraid there might be a blizzard over night because the checkout lanes were backed up into the aisles.  You would expect someone in those lines to think about the fact that carts may need to get through, right?  I was waiting for another cart to come through the one lane pass that the checkout waiters allowed passing carts to use.  They finally came through and I started to roll forward when a woman on a store scooter RAN OVER MY TOE while passing me.  At that point, I decided enough was enough.  I cart blocked her and booked it to the closest checkout.  I checked out and ran as fast as possible to my car, threw my groceries in and sped home.


     I'm not sure at what point we just completely removed our lack of concern for others from our society.  I think it's been a slow evolution.  I don't know at what point it jumped into overdrive, but it did.  It's completely evident in politicians.  The major driving force of 99.9% of politicians is not concern for those around them.  It is for themselves.  They care so passionately about lining their pocket and posturing themselves at the top of the heap that they have completely forgotten all about the people around them.  Us.  The voters.  We're not any better than them.  We care so much about being on the "right" side that we don't step back and look at what they are really doing to us.


     I'm going to wrap this post up with a challenge.  I challenge each and every person who reads this to be hyper aware of those around you.  Hold the door open for the person behind you.  Say please and thank you.  Watch your mouth in public.  Don't step over someone to get ahead in a line.  Teach your children to be aware of people around them.  Just show concern for those around you.  Are we going to change the world overnight?  No.  Maybe the person you held the door open will think about that moment and start being more aware of who's behind them.  Maybe YOU can be that glimmer of hope for the stressed out mom at the grocery store.  Just maybe.

Memories in Music

     Isn't it crazy how one song can make you fondly, or not so fondly, remember someone from your past?  How one song can bring back a memory of a time or place from your past?  Music is such an important part of our lives even though most of us don't think twice about it.  I pretty much constantly have some kind of music going on in the background all the time.  Then that one song will come on and my mind is suddenly in a different place and time, remembering all the things that make that song special or not so special.

     This post came to be because I was driving the girl to school this morning and this song came on the radio...

    It reminds me of dancing with my dad at my wedding.  It reminds me of him asking if HE could lead.  I've always had a different relationship with my dad.  We can argue like nobody's business and three minutes later be hugging and laughing.  Then thoughts of my dad take me to this song...

     He used to sing it in the car, but would change the words to, "Little diddy 'bout Jennie and Kerri Ann..."  Then that would start us changing the rest of the lyrics to pertain to us.  My dad did this with a lot of songs.  My sister and I commented one day about how my dad had a word for every song, which he replied to with...

He's a funny guy, my dad.

     Another song that reminds me of my wedding, more specifically of my husband is this one...

    I have memories attached to so many songs, but mostly songs will remind me of a person, which then starts a tornado in my brain of different memories of that person.


     I can't hear a song from Grease II without thinking of Carrie.  We stayed up until 6 am one night when she spent the night with me and wrote down every lyric to every song in that movie.  Then we started the movie over and started working out the dance moves.  I was just singing this song in the car the other day...

     I started laughing thinking about us as young girls and the girl asked me why I was laughing so I told her the story.  She laughed too.

     I think of my sister just about every single time I hear a Michael Jackson song.  Especially this one... 

     I will never, as long as I live, forget her singing this on karaoke night at the bowling alley lounge.  There was our group, which consisted of maybe 8 people, a bartender, the dj, and maybe 3 other people in the lounge.  My sister, as she usually does, entertained us so thoroughly that she gave Michael himself a run for his money.   

     I think of Stacy every time I hear this song...

     It reminds me of the wonderful "mix tape" cd she made for all of the girls I met online and then met in Gatlinburg.  I can't share a lot of details of those trips, because my parents may be reading, but believe me when I tell you they were two of my most favorite getaways. I can't hear a New Kids on the Block song without thinking of our first trip.  I refuse to link any of those songs.  I just can't force myself to.


    I have a lot of songs that remind me of memories with the girl.  Billie Jean is one now because she loves that song as much as her aunt.  This one was one of our first "songs" together...

     That song is a twofer because I think of the girl every time I hear it and at the same time I think of a friend's little girl who thought the artist's name was Cyndi Lobster.  Kids are so funny.


     I hope the girl remembers all the music that filled our home, our car, and pretty much everywhere else we are.  I hope she looks back on her life and has a beautiful soundtrack to remind her of all the wonderful times she had.